when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
