You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
