that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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