he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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