So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
