we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
