Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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