I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
