It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
