I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
