oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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