And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
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she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
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His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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