worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
