I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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