Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She's the barista slut.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
