i barfeds in our rink
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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