I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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