I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
