my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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