Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
