I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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