I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
