If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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