New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
