your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
