I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
