im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
