i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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