I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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