Your dad touched me again.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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