I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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