Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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