i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
