he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
