I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
