I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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