She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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