The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
