bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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