We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
