My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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