you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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