How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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