Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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