I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
