If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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