TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
false alarm. still invincible.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
