You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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