I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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