im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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