I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
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He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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