I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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