god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
