I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
