the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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