you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
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You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
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Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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